Fictional Journalism

According to MSNBC, Israeli Troops killed 8 Palestinians in Gaza yesterday. According to USA Today, Israeli Troops killed 10 Palestinians in Gaza yesterday. According to CNN, Israeli Troops killed 11 Palestinians in Gaza yesterday. According to Reuters, Israeli Troops killed 12 Palestinians in Gaza yesterday. And According to the New York Times, Israeli Troops killed 13 Palestinians in Gaza yesterday. So, which is it?

According to USA Today, it was a scaled back attack. According to MSNBC, it was the bloodiest fighting in the area so far. And of course Reuters just reprinted what the MSNBC guy wrote. If it weren’t for the same date, and some specific names in all of them, they wouldn’t even appear to be the same event.

Are these news people just making this crap up? If the story is true then one, or maybe all of them, are lying to some degree. The thing about these stories is, they are about an event that happened so far away that none of their readers can actually verify the story. So basically they could just make up whatever they want. And I am starting to think that they are.

You would think these guys would check with each other before printing stuff so their stories can at least look like valid accounts of an event.

Just Plain Wrong!

It seems like everyday since the war in Iraq began that I have read a news headline about Humvee mounted US Soldiers being killed by roadside attacks.

Did you know that there is a such a vehicle that can protect US Troops from both land mines, and roadside attacks? I didn't either. It's called the Cougar Mine Resistant, Ambushing Protecting 4X4. Did you also know that the military has only just now decided to supply these to the troops in Iraq?

So let me get this straight. The military could have sent these to Iraq in 2001, but didn't see anything wrong with Soldiers being killed as a result of the inferior vehicles they have to use to patrol Iraq? That is just wrong!

I guess that's what happens when you put an organization with such little regard for human life in charge of our sons and daughters.

How To Pull A Global Warming Solution Out Of Thin Air

In a previous post, I had stated how stupid it was to say that carbon offsets can fight global warming when the presence of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere is extremely small while the presence of water vapor is extremely high. According to that logic, it would be necessary for people to instead seek out water vapor offsets. As of recently there had been absolutely no practical way to offset the water vapor that is put into the air through evaporation. The closest thing there has ever been to removing water from the sky was a practice called “seeding” the clouds, but this was just some dust bowl era gimmick to swindle money from desperate farmers.

Recently, a pair of researchers developed a relatively efficient way to condense water vapor back into liquid form. Their invention is called the WatAir fresh water system, and this 10 foot wide inverted pyramid shaped funnel can remove dozens of liters of vaporized water from the atmosphere everyday. It is an ingenious invention that utilizes the natural tendency of water vapor to condense when it reaches a temperature referred to as the dew point. And what’s funny is, these people don’t give a rats butt about global warming. They designed this as a way to bring fresh water to underdeveloped countries. The secondary use of the WatAir for reducing the most abundant greenhouse gas from the atmosphere has not even been realized yet, and probably never will because politicians aren’t being paid by special interest groups to push for water vapor offsets.

The Squeaky Wheel's Lament

Is anyone else tired of hearing about the violence in the Middle East? I looked at the 54 headlines I get on my homepage from 12 different news sources and counted 24 of them that are referring to the violence in the Middle East. That means almost half of the news I receive is about towel heads I really don’t want to know about, doing things with explosives strapped to themselves that I don’t want to know about, in God forbidden and nearly inhospitable places that I don’t want to know anything about, for some bootleg god named Allah that I could totally care less about. And the worst of all is the news of American soldiers dying for reasons that Washington hasn’t really disclosed. I mean in the beginning they said it was to find weapons of mass destruction, but if that’s the reason they are still going with, then those retards in Washington need to realize that they are in the wrong country. THE NUKES ARE IN IRAN!

So basically the news these days SUCKS! Or at least that’s how I see it.

Life Imitates Shtick Comedy

This has to be the funniest news story I’ve heard in a long time. Or at least it turned out to be since the guy didn’t get hurt or anything. Basically what happened is, this guy in a wheel chair was crossing a 2 lane highway at a cross walk when his wheel chair got stuck in the grill of a semi truck as the traffic light turned green. The guy apparently rode for countless miles on the front of the semi before the police pulled the driver over.




In another news story where life imitates shtick comedy, actor Rob Lowe hit a golf ball during a celebrity golf tournament in Iowa. The golf ball then struck a bird that was in mid-flight. As it turned out, the bird was a rare Goldfinch that was immediately identified by locals as the Iowa state bird.

I just think it’s really funny because I have seen both of these incidents in movies before.

A Public Service Announcement

Hey Kids! I will be gone for the next 2 weeks, so there won't be any Weekly Squeak's for you to read!

But you can check out Andy's Weird Warped World in the mean time!

Lest Ye Be Judged

Jerry Falwell died this afternoon in Virginia. I couldn't help but to immediately wonder if God will judge him as harshly as he judged gays, lesbians, feminists, the ACLU, the PFAW, anti-apartheid activists, Bill Clinton, John McCain, the Scientific community, the teletubbies, democrats, AIDS patients, and pretty much everyone who isn't Southern Baptist.

Don't get me wrong. I don't support most of those groups either. Especially those darn teletubbies, they are the downfall of our society. I just never liked the way he talked down to those groups. He was a very condescending person when viewed in the public eye. I always thought it was funny how that "Reverend" was more concerned with chastising non-Christians than with showing them a righteous path.

I know I should say nice things about someone recently deceased, but that is just not the way I view the guy. As a member of a Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) church, I have always hated our affiliation with Jerry Falwell. The guy was a complete weeny. The bigoted comments and belief in segregation of that weeny has totally tainted the image of the SBC and many people look at us different as a result. The beliefs of Jerry Falwell have ruined church pastors who have been run out of churchs after finding that actual christians don't mind worshipping alongside of blacks. In fact our last pastor was one of those guys. The worst part is, I have heard people say that they are not acceptable enough to go to church because they were looked down upon by condescending "Christians" like Jerry Falwell.

I would say, "The world is better off without him", but that would be more judgment on a person than I would want on myself from God.

And God said; "Let they be B-atch's"

Every so often, I encounter somebody who is such an incredible dumb a** that I consider it my Christian duty and moral obligation to point this person out.




Meet Jeff Johnson. This guy actually believes that Southern Churches and Civil Rights activists are as sexist as rap and hip-hop artists. HOLY CRAP! What a dumb a**! This pervert obviously thinks that Rosa Parks hiked up her skirt at the bus stop and did “the clap” before getting on the bus. Apparently the only history books he has ever read are previously jacked on issues of Playboy. He also thinks that Pastors of Southern Churches preach about serving God by pimpin’ out your b-atch’s and ho’s. At his church they apparently pass crack pipes instead of offering plates. The only people stupid enough to print the crap he writes is CNN.com.

Dumb A** Headlines

Why Ebola is Killing Gorillas
I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing that Ebola is killing gorillas because it’s a deadly flesh eating virus.

How the US Plans To Tackle Iran
Does it matter what they wrote in the article. The retard in the White House will probably handle Iran as badly as Iraq.

War in Iraq Troubled
Is there a trouble free way to run a war? Is there any dumb a** in the country that doesn’t know about the car bombing and political troubles in Iraq?

L.A. Tops List of Most Polluted Cities
Of course dumb a**, that’s why L.A. is used as the stereotypic example of uncontrolled smog?

Relocating Gets Tougher When Home Sales are Slow
I would think this would be readily evident, but apparently it isn’t to this journalist.

Bush Likely to Veto Iraq Proposal
This wouldn’t be so dumb a** if Bush wasn’t quoted last week as vowing to automatically veto everything.

Castro Absent From May Day Celebrations
Is it really a surprise that a dying man recovering from intestinal surgery would stay home? Besides, the guy is like 80 years old. A celebration to him could be completely comprised of drinking a glass of Metamucil and watching an episode of Matlock.

Brittany Spears Bares All
Unless she’s hiding an Illegal Mexican in her cooter, I think we’ve seen all there is.

Serial Killer Convicted of Murder
Well, they’re sure as heck not gonna give ‘em the Nobel Prize.

The Trillion Dollar Question

Why is America on track to spend 2 Trillion dollars on the effort to turn Iraq into a civilized country? Why spend that kind of money on the Muslims that hates us anyway? If there needed to be a war to avenge 9/11 then why didn’t we just spend 200 Billion dollars on leveling the place with every B52 we can throw at them? I say we should have tore the country down and then let them rebuild it. I don’t mean to sound cheap, or that money is more important than the soldiers risking their lives, but seriously, we are talking Trillions of dollars here people. There are a trillion ways to spend that kind of jack. And every one of them is a lot more worthwhile than just dumping it into Iraq. And here is my list of just a few of the ways to spend 1 Trillion dollars.

End World Hunger for 50 years. That’s right folks. At the current rate of 20 billion per year. 1 Trillion dollars can end World Hunger for the next half century. I would rather be known as "the President who spent a trillion dollars to end World Hunger” than “The retard who squandered a trillion dollars on the world’s largest liter box”.

Eliminate Cancer. Or at least put in 200 years worth of effort.

Eliminate diseases affecting the world. Or at least put 2000 times the money toward it than what is currently spent on eliminating AIDS.

Establish mining operations on a stabile asteroid. At the current rate of consumption, in a mere 200 years, the world’s coal supply will be totally depleted. If an inefficiently built space station can be built with 50 billion dollars, then we can definitely set things up to start tapping other extra-earthly sources of coal with 20 times that amount.

And my personal favorite:

Give everyone in the entire world a U.S. 1 hundred dollar bill. A trillion dollars would cover the cost to distribute the bills as well. Everyone in THE WORLD WOULD BE MY BEST FRIEND if I gave them $100.