The End Of The Line

I think I will stop writing the Weekly Squeak blog. It hasn't turned out to be what I originally wanted it to be, and I am getting no response from it. And besides that, I am really tired of news and current events that only seem to bring me down. Maybe I will come back to this, maybe I won't. God only knows.

In the mean time, I will start putting more effort into the Warped World Blog.

A Few Thoughts I Hacked Up Today

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Ad-Nauseating

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The Super Bowl commercials sucked this year. Some were on the verge of being good, some had potential to be good, but all-in-all they just sucked. You would think that if you were paying $2.7 million for 30 seconds worth of time that you would at least TRY to make that the best damn 30 seconds of viewing anyone has ever seen. I know it’s politically incorrect to say this, but I really miss the ‘bikini clad babe’ filled Budweiser commercials of the 80’s. Now those had potential to be the best 30 seconds on TV.

Oh. That’s Right, There’s Also a Football Game

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I always love to see a good nail biter in the last seconds of a game and when it’s in the Super Bowl, it’s that much better. Unfortunately I didn’t see Eli’s pass to Plaxico Burress to win this years Super Bowl; I fell asleep before the end of the game because everything leading up to that point was so boring. Luckily ESPN seemed to play that footage in an almost continual loop on Monday, so I did see it eventually. Is it me, or does it seem like everyone not associated with either team secretly wanted the Giants to win even if they bet on the Patriots?

I Think I Could Sell Him a Bridge in Brooklyn
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I almost wet my pants laughing when I read about the high points of Bush’s projected budget for the upcoming year. He “wants” to “cut taxes” because it sounds good and will help the Republicans if the last one in office declares that he is for cutting taxes. He also “wants” to increase spending on the military despite the fact that the US is already on track to piss away $2 Trillion on defending the world’s largest cat box. The funniest part of the whole thing; it’s not really set to kick in until the spring of 2009. Apparently somebody needs to tell him that he can’t pretend to be a president anymore after this year.

The Beginning of World War III ?

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Yesterday, it was reported that Iran launched a rocket for a space program. Why does Iran need a space program? Are they planning to put a towel head on the moon by the end of the decade? I really don’t think so. This is scary when you think that a few months ago Iran was found to have centrifuges for Uranium enrichment. And last month it was discovered that Russia is sending Iran raw Uranium for enrichment. This is the natural progression for building a nuclear arsenal. Why is this a problem? Because, Iran has declared its intentions of destroying all the “infidels” in Israel, Europe, and America. It really seems like more people than me should be concerned about this.

The 10 Results That I Got From The Super Tuesday Primaries

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1. I wish the democrats would decide between Hillary and Obama already.
2. I never would have guessed that Huckabee would get that many states.
3. I can’t believe McCain gained that big of a lead on Romney.
4. Why is Ron Paul still hanging around?
5. I think Super Tuesday was more entertaining than Super Bowl Sunday.
6. I Think people like Hillary Clinton. They really like her. They really, really, do.
7. I think it’s now clear that Obama’s multi-national heritage doesn’t include Latino.
8. It looks like most Republicans see McCain as “Conservative Lite”.
9. I think Hillary can beat Obama, I think McCain can beat Hillary, but illogically I don’t think McCain can beat Obama.
10. Exit Polls are worthless.

Personal Commentary

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After yanking him out of his hole in the middle of hibernation for the last 112 years, I think it’s high time those folks in Gobbler’s Knob left poor Punxsutawney Phil alone.

The News In Review

Latest Thoughts On the Election

I am starting to like John McCain's way of doing things. He is more of a shut up and do what needs to be done kind of a guy. Whereas Mitt Romney is the kind of guy who just throws a bunch of money at a situation in hopes that it will take care of everything. The case in point: Romney spent 10 times the money on campaign ads, but McCain put in the time making calls and meeting with important people. I think that's how he won the Florida Primary. I am now absolutely sure that McCain should be president because "The Governator" traveled back in time from the future to endorse McCain as a way to save mankind from ultimate destruction.
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Brittany Spears In A Mental Hospital

Why does this not seem surprising to me? Oh, that's right! She shaved off her hair, ran over a reporter with her car, and thought K-Fed had singing talent. We already knew she was looney tunes way before the ambulance came and took her away.
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Are You Sure That Sofisticated State-Of-The-Art Plane Came From The US Military?

U.S. Intelligence is denying an attack on Pakistan despite the fact that the explosions in question were the result of bombs dropped by a couple of billion dollar pilot-less Predator aircraft. The Pentagon is also denying the bombing despite the fact that the bombs just happen to have landed on an Al Qaeda base. Who knows, maybe it was one of the other free western countries wealthy enough to afford a Predater Drone. Seriously, how do we know the Swiss didn't do it?

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The Sky Is Falling

An ailing U.S. spy satellite, that is falling out of orbit after losing a communication link, is now ironically expected to be a threat to North America. Contingency plans are currently being drawn up to deal with the problem as the large satellite is expected to have a sizeable impact and to disperse a toxic chemcal called hydrazine. While Scientist hope the spacecraft lands in a mostly unpopulated area, FEMA just hopes the dang thing doesn't land in New Orleans.

Count Down

As a service to all Americans I will regulary post this count down clock to encourage everyone to hang tight because the worst president in US history is almost out of the White House.

The Weekly Squeak 2008 Campaign Special Part-1

Lets Start by looking at the Republican delegates because let’s face it, I am actually about 70% Republican and 30% Democrat. By the way, I am 0% Bush administration, but if you have read this before then you already knew that.

Mike Huckabee:

You gotta like the fact that he’s a man of God. It makes him seem like an honest guy that America can trust. If you don’t know what his position is on issues you can just reference a Bible to figure it out. Even though he has only won one state so far, it’s a “big” state that means a lot in the primaries. And furthermore he’ll get lots of support from the Bible belt states.

John McCain:

How can I turn down a guy who served in Vietnam and survived being a POW for the protection of American freedom? Especially since that military background means he is a very well trained leader. Even though he appears to have too much skin on his face, at least he doesn’t have the Lurch chin of John Kerry. I would be willing to bet the states he has won so far are due to the fact that his perseverance in presidential campaigning is an indicator that he won’t give up as President.

Mitt Romney:

I hate the fact that the guy is a Mormon, but I like the fact that he is backed by Michigan’s working class. Unfortunately, both of those things may be his downfall. Most of the world considers Mormons to be a little screwed in the head, and Detroit just doesn’t have the pull that it once had. Even though he has kind-of a creepy look about him, he still has a chance with his average guy image.

Rudy Giuliani:

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The guy worked miracles in New York when he was mayor, can he do the same for America? My personal answer to that question changes from day to day. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that he has totally ignored every state except Florida up to this point, and I would say he doesn’t have a chance there with the Rev. Huckabee in the same race. Either he is political genius or he’s totally screwing things up. No matter how you look at it, if does win Florida, he will be back in the race.

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Now let’s take a look at the Democratic delegates.

Barrack Obama:

The man seems to be well liked by people, but he just doesn’t come off as a political leader. So why is he doing so well? Even before the Oprahists (the followers of Oprah’s quasi-religion) have joined his side, he was doing well before that. The big story I have heard is that the guy was raised Muslim which would mean that he could have no adherence to America because his loyalty would completely be to Allah and the city of Mecca. I just can’t figure out why the media hasn’t followed up on that particular lead. Clearly he can win at this point, but the question is; would that be best?

John Edwards:

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He was John Kerry’s running mate in 2004, and…well…he was John Kerry’s running mate in 2004. That’s all I got.

Hillary Clinton:

As a man, I think I am required to dislike her as a candidate. She claims to have more experience than Obama, but just merely living in the White House does not qualify you to be running the country. There is a current White House resident that is proving that to be true. I am pretty sure the whole senator job and presidential campaign are not only due to the fact her husband was formerly the President, but also because old slick Willy got caught cheating. Frankly the best thing I could hope about her being president is that she would merely be a puppet controlled by the ex-president. Bill may have been a horn-dog, but he was a good president. The one good thing about her is she is probably the only candidate with balls big enough to deal with the serious foreign affairs issues such as Iran building nuclear weapons and that pesky Iraq war.

My Conclusion:

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Who do I think will win the Presidency? I don’t know. Who do I think should win the Presidency? Ditto, but I am leaning toward McCain. No I ‘m not. I mean I am leaning toward Giuliani. Wait, no, I am probably more for Huckabee. I think, or maybe not. I don’t know.

Slow News Week
Well kids, what can I say? Aside from that story about the Marine guy that killed the Marine girl that he raped, there just hasn’t been that much interesting news to talk about. And even then, what more can I say other than what I did in the sentence above?

Way to Kill the Mystique

In Art History news; historians have positively identified the subject of Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous painting, the Mona Lisa. Her real name was Lisa del Giocondo. Somehow, I find the painting to be less interesting now that the Mona Lisa’s real identity is no longer a mystery.

Primarily Boring

I suppose I could also talk about the presidential campaigns and the Primaries, but I could really care less about the anticipated election ever since Steven Colbert was refused participation in the campaign process. What else am I gonna talk about? Obama’s overwhelming lead (yawn), or Huckabee winning in Iowa (nod head), or Mitt Romney winning in Michigan (snore).

The State of Health Care?
In medical news; the FDA released a warning that cold medicines are dangerous for use on infants. Did they forget that they released the exact same warning a few months ago? Should people with memory this bad be in charge at the FDA? I guess we’ll know they are totally crazy when they release a warning about somebody tampering with bottles of Tylenol.

Personal Commentary

Is it me or are there an unusually large number of news stories these days about teachers having sex with students? Where were these teachers when I was a 13 year old with blue balls?

The Weekly Squeak Signs Off For Another Year

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Entertainment News
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Ike Turner pimp slapped his last hoe yesterday at the age of 76.
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Who Wants To Be A Trillionaire?

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As the US government is planning to spend another 70 million dollars toward the 2 Trillion dollar goal for the war in Iraq, I find myself formulating yet another list of things that are a much better buy for a Trillion dollars.

1. Instead of spending a Trillion on a war aimed at gaining access to limited natural resources, why not spend a Trillion dollars on the research to find alternatives that are unlimited. Cold Fusion? Safe Nuclear? Affordable Ethanol? Powerful Solar? Even something stupid sounding that was inspired by Star Trek would be better.

2. Adopt a poor country. Use a Trillion dollars to develop a wasteland like Ethiopia and declare it the third wealthiest nation behind Switzerland and the US. If done right, we could guilt trip wealthier European nations into adopting needy countries as well.

3. Cover the carbon offset fines that Americans are likely going to be responsible to pay for by not giving up their ridiculously huge, carbon emitting, gas hogging SUV’s.

4. Completely overhaul the prison system which is apparently a total failure at rehabilitating criminals.

5. Build a fifty foot high wall between the US and Mexico, and call it ‘The Great Wall of Chico’. On the side facing Mexico we should paint the Spanish translation of; “Go around to the front door. It’s next to the big statue of the woman holding the torch.”
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Comentary

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I think I will make it my personal goal this Christmas Season to avoid watching the movie “A Christmas Story” at all costs.

I Just Sneezed And These Came Out

The $100 Laptop?

I just figured out what really seems odd about the “One Laptop Per Child’s” mission to distribute the donated $100 laptops to children in poor countries…duh!...they aren’t edible. See, the problem isn’t that these kids live in mud covered huts with no running water and scant food supplies; it’s that they live in towns with NO ELECTRICITY! So what the heck are these kids gonna do with some stupid hunk of plastic? The best I can figure is they can use it to spread more mud on their hut.

2008 Election Prediction

Every voter in this country can try to elect somebody other than Huckabee for President, but Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick them all out of the polls if they try.

Did I Call It Or What?

The retard that lives in the White House totally f**cked up last weeks Nuclear Summit in Annapolis. Since Iran was already claiming to be Nuke-Free, telling the Iranian President to come clean was basically just calling him a filthy liar. So instead of diffusing the Iranians desire to Nuke America, he took the opportunity to insult them and give them even more reason.

Everybody Can Just Suck My Wii-Wii

I am sooooooo tired of everyone talking about those stupid Wii game consoles. And what is the deal with game console makers never making enough to go around at Christmas time? Do you know how many kids are gonna forgo getting that game console later in the year because a competitor has made the next big thing by then? They are just screwing themselves out of profits by trying to stretch Christmas past the month of December.

If You Can't Say Anything Nice... Post It On A Blog

The Mideast Un-Peace Talks
Well, today is the day. What day is that you ask? The day that the retard that lives in the White House is going to totally f**k up the Mideast peace talks in Annapolis MD. He's apparently already started by not exerting the authority of his mediator role to keep the different sides from spouting out their opinions before the talks have even begun. This could potentially be the beginning of the "End of the World"


You Call That A Soccer Riot...

Those teens in France must be really pissed off. The have been rioting in the streets for several days now. They are shooting at cops and torching cop cars. It looks like total Anarchy.

Arbitrary Obituary
I am not sure what to think of the death of Quiet Riot singer Kevin DuBrow. On the one hand it's sad that he died and the band will never make a come back. But on the other hand it's like; Wow he actually lived to the age of 52!
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Dumb A** Of The Week
OK, so there's this guy who is complaining about getting in a wreck with a Cincinnati Police Officer despite the fact that he could clearly see that the officer was in a high speed pursuit. His claim is, and I am not making this up, is that the Police should not have been chasing those drug dealers. What the F**K? We find the one Cincinnati Police officer that's actually doing his job instead of loafing around playing video games, or harassing teenagers for running invisible stop signs and this guy wants to sue him.

All The News That's Fit To Blog

Field Of Dreams

Well kids. I guess I would be wrong if I didn't begin this weeks blog with a tribute to one of the finest people to ever call Cincinnati his home. I am of course referring to "The Ol' Lefthander", Mr. Joe Nuxhall. For anyone like me who has grown up in the queen city, it's impossible to imagine a Reds season without Joe as one of their announcers. And rightly so. Who else can claim to have started with the Reds at the age of 15, and then be apart of the team for more than 60 years! Not only did Joe love the Reds, but he loved Cincinnati, and I know I am not alone in saying that Cincinnati loved him. Make sure to check out http://hofjoe.com/ for information on getting him voted into the MLB Hall Of Fame. Goodbye Joe, it's time for you to round third and head for home.

Thanksgiving

A few years ago I wrote a series of Limericks for each holiday of the year and gave them to my wife who loves both everything Irish, and everything Holiday. So here is the one I wrote for Thanksgiving.

What if the pilgrims were Irish?

What if the pilgrims were Irish,

and not English Puritan Separatist?
How would it be,

back in history,

if Thanksgiving was started by the Celtics?

The ship that would have left from the dock

would not be the 'Mayflower', but the 'Shamrock'.

Irish whiskey in stow

to drink as they go

before stumbling onto shore at Plymouth Rock.

The Indian teachings of corn would be slow,

because every true Irishman knows.

That you will find,

at harvest time,

that The Irish can only grow potatoes.

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When the Indians and Settlers would sit down to eat,

the Thanksgiving meal would be different than in History.

Not the cornucopia,

from the region,

but Blood Pudding and strong Irish Whiskey.

Today when we have our Thanksgiving,

we would not be eating a Turkey.

if you took a look,

at what we'd cook,

it would be a Boxty with a side of Cracker Wheats.

Dumb A$$ of The Week

What's the deal with this Plastic Surgeon Jan Adams going on Larry King if he isn't going to talk about the death of Kanye West's mother? What the heck else is the guy going to talk about with Larry King? The Weather? He should have at least made a statement that it wasn't his fault. What a Dumb A$$.